Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
