When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
