Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
