I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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