There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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