just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize