i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
