Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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