did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we're making bets on your personal life
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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