Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
