I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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