People in love make me want to vomit
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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