Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
