Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
