If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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