my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
