sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
