yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
