Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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