I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
