Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Ketchup is God's man juice
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
