Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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