so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
