no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i think my cat just said my name.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
