True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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