party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize