Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize