it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
