..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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