Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
