20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Everclear isn't food dammit
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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