The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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