Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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