I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i've created a new STD.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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