Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
