In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
