life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
