god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
