Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
