the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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