I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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