so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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