K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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