you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
