woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
