you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
