I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's never too late to be topless.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
