Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Fuck appropriateness.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
