Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
