I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
