I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
