The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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