I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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