after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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