I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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