I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
