Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
