Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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