I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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