textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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