Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
