I'm gonna have a badass scar
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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